In another post I wrote I talked about the moment of acceptance. “We had a choice and we had time to accept our choice, no matter the outcome.” I accepted that things were not okay with Mattie a long time ago, but every now and then… it hits me… again. I am beginning to think that the sadness of what could have been will never really go away. It just gets buried deep down inside and at any given unexplained moment it just pops up and says “Hi, I am still here”.
It happened at the OBGYN office yesterday.
As I walked into the office, the doctors have a wall full of birth announcements and cards. I scan it quickly and notice that the thank you card we sent a year ago was still posted on the board. It seems so long ago that I sent that card. So much has happened since then. I was taken to the same exam room where I was tested for leaking amniotic fluid at 17 weeks pregnant. This room just happens to be next to the office we went into when I was 20 weeks pregnant and were told I had to go to the hospital for additional testing since I had no fluid. My eyes started to fill up with tears. I had to tell myself to get a grip. I was surprised by how emotional it was to be back. Deep breaths… Deep breaths. I am not kept waiting very long when my favorite Dr walks in. It was good to see her.
I was looking for answers to a question that I knew had no answers. I was looking for some direction. The biggest unanswered question in my life, why did my water break at 17 weeks pregnant? Of course I asked this question more than several times during my 59 day stay in the hospital, but now that I had more time to focus and reflect, I needed an answer and a better answer then “we don’t know why”. Of course, I did not get it. They don’t know why. I knew that before she even said it, but I had to ask again.
I had never told my doctors about Mattie. I decided that I was going to tell Dr. R today. As she is asking me how things are, I get tears in my eyes and I break down crying as I tell her Mattie’s story. It has been a LONG time since I cried about this. But just seeing her and being there brought back some really sad memories and I could not hold it in.
Sadness, Pity, Anger: “Hi, I am still here”
Me: “Yes. Yes you are”
As Dr. R was leaving she gave me a hug. I wish I had given her a Hope for Mattie card to let her know that I am not always a disaster, that I usually have things under control and am very positive about Mattie’s future. I think I am going to mail her one 🙂
I have decided that acceptance doesn’t have to mean that I am okay with the way things are, because I am not really okay. Acceptance means that I can’t change the past and I am learning to live with it.
If you have not already checked out our new Hope for Mattie Necklaces, please do. All the money raised from the sale of her jewelry goes directly towards Mattie’s therapy and medical expenses.