Beautifully Broken

I have sat down to write an update several times now and my mind just goes blank. Maybe its writers block (although I certainly don’t consider myself a writer) or maybe its me not wanting to put it all out there anymore or maybe I don’t want Mattie to read all this one day and decide to hate me even more (she is like 16 in this scenario). Either way, I know you have wanted an update so here it goes.

Rewind to a few weeks back and Mattie, Joba and I were at Publix. The kids wanted to ride in the “car cart” that I disgust so much, but I was feeling nice that day so we went about our shopping in the “car cart”. We were hanging out in the deli for our number to be called when this older woman came up and told me how cute my kids were, how she thought having a boy and a girl was perfect and what a perfect family I had. Meanwhile, Joba is hitting Mattie in the face and proceeds to take the rest of her free cookie out of her hand. I hear my number being called, so I just smiled at her and went about my business.

If only she knew…

just how imperfect we really are

that my heart hurts when Mattie tells me she wants to walk but she cant

that everytime I get my handicap hang tag out of my glove box, I feel a pang of sadness

when I see girls her age dancing and running, I sometimes want to cry

that everytime I run, I remember that she can’t

that I pray every night that she will be happy and loved

…would she still think we were “perfect”?

I like to call it beautifully broken.

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Mattie turns 4 in a few weeks! (on Good Friday to be exact or as I like to call it “D Day – The day we received Mattie’s’ diagnoses). I can’t even believe it! Where did time go? How did she get so big all of the sudden? I have tried to have no expectations when it comes to Mattie’s development, but I will be honest, if you would have asked me a few years ago if Mattie would be walking by 4, I would have said “absolutely”. It just goes to show that Mattie will do things on her own time and when she is ready. I sometimes feel like Mattie’s progress lately has been SLOW. I have to remind myself (with some help from her therapists) that what Mattie is doing today, she was not doing a year ago. Progress is progress. Right?

Here are a few things Mattie can now do that she could not do a year ago:
Sing
Pretend play
Pull to stand
Raise her butt off the ground while kneeling
Use a spoon
Talk in complete sentences with good articulation
Make jokes
Count to 50
Maneuver her wheelchair on her own

Writing it out makes me realize just how well she is doing and how she continues to learn and make progress no matter how long it takes. With your continued support, my hope is that next year’s list of accomplishments will be even longer. And who knows, maybe we will even see walking independently on there.

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3 thoughts on “Beautifully Broken

  1. I am so glade you up dated on mattie I miss u all so much she is getting so big and pretty . If thier is anyhting I can help out with let me know . love you and miss you all Ms. Pamela

  2. We are ALL beautifully broken, just for some of us our “brokenness” is not so visible…. You have a mothers heart, a special gift and one day your beautiful little girl will read these posts and realize what a gift you both were to her!!!

  3. U do have a beautiful family.. Thank u so much for the update.. I believe one day Mattie will surprise u guys n walk.. She’s just waiting for the right moment.. We think about u guys a lot n hope that things r going good. Wish we lived closer.. We love u all.. 💞

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